Getting Out of the Way

I've had a recurring theme in my life even before I welcomed God into my heart.  It seems I have a huge problem standing in my own way.

And the worst part is that most of the time I don't realize that I'm doing it!

My entire life has been spent performing- not in the entertainment sense (I should never be put on a stage for any reason)- but working to earn...something.

What am I trying to earn?  The right to say that I'm good.  Love.  Approval.  Security.  Perfection.

The silly thing about all of those things is that I ALREADY HAVE THEM and I didn't have to lift a finger to earn them.  In fact, I didn't earn them at all.  It's impossible to earn them.

By the Grace of God, I have these things.  Nothing I could do, say or give could even remotely qualify me to earn them.  That's a fact.

Yet I continue to try...my youngest told me once that I try so hard it's painful to watch.  The prideful part of me thought, that's good!  Maybe I'm close to earning what I so desperately want!

I completely missed her loving message.  And the harder I continued to try, the harder life became and it became more difficult to recognize all of the wonderful, good things surrounding me.

And even though I'm writing about this as though it's all in the past...it's not.  I'm still stuck in the same bad habit of performing.  Even right now, in my heart, part of me is working hard at whatever I think needs to be done to reach my goals.

But God doesn't want that from me.  He wants the exact opposite.  While I'm thrashing away, running around and doing, doing, doing- He's standing quietly in front of me, waiting for me to take His hand.

He already love me.  He already approves of me.  He provides me with security.  He gives me good things.  He sees the person He created me to be.

Why can't I get it?  Why is it so hard to stop worrying?  Performing?  Doing?

I stand in my own way.  I'm so afraid that if I stop, I'm not doing enough.  I want to plan.  Take control.

All of this is the exact opposite of what He wants from me.  He wants NOTHING in order to give me EVERYTHING.

Why can't I accept that?

I know I don't deserve it.  I know I'm struggling with trust.  My faith is oftentimes, at best, a mustard seed.

So how do I get past this?  I tell God about it.  I pray.  I force quiet time in my life.  I practice surrendering.

It's not going to change overnight.  But I can tell you this- I'm better than I was a year ago.  I'm even better than I was a few months ago.

Can you relate to this?  Are you in the same or a similar boat?

What do you do to get out of your own way?  Please, share your experiences, books or prayers that have helped you on your journey!

I genuinely believe we hide so much of the same stuff in our hearts- imagine what could change if we shared openly with one another!

Kelly