Let's Talk about Shame...

Shame is an ugly word.  It's one that no one wants to think about let alone talk about it.

But we all have it.  It's deep in our souls, chipping away at all the good we think we do...standing in the way of all the good the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts.

The shocking part about shame is- most of us don't realize we have it!!!

Shame is a silent killer.  It kills love.  It kills confidence.  It kills so much of what we need in order to live in the fullness of God's grace.

I hate that.  The thought of anything standing in the way of God's grace is just wrong to me.

BUT...I fear facing my shame even more.  What if I look at how I've messed up in my life?  What if I actually admit I'm still angry about something that hurt me years ago?  What if I admit I worry about how people see and judge me?

These are terrifying for someone like me.  Everything I keep hidden deep inside is shameful.  It makes me feel horrible.  I don't think about it often, but I know it impacts my life right now.

HERE'S THE FUNNY PART... (It might not be funny to some, but I see the ridiculousness of what I do as a human being!)

God knows everything.  He's known I would mess up long before I ever did it.  He knew each bad decision I made.  He's aware of all the pain I carry around in my heart.

This is where JESUS CAN HELP.

Obviously, we're not alone.  God already knows (and he's already forgotten about our blunders- "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."  Hebrews 8:12 NIV)

The best part?  When we're ready to look at our shame, we don't have to do it alone.  Jesus wants to take us on that journey and heal that shame.  

Set some time aside and admit just one thing you are ashamed of, admit it as truthfully as possible to God and ask Jesus to walk you through the healing process.  You don't have to do it all at once- start small, chip away at a pace you can work with and allow Jesus to do his wondrous work.

That's what Jesus is all about- saving...healing...FREEING.  

Is it hard?  Yes.  Is it painful?  It can be.  

But we're enslaved to our shame, preventing the full, rich life Jesus died to give to us if we keep on living wit our shame.  It's up to you.

I'm not particularly fond of uncomfortable feelings.  Heck, I hate feelings!  But I really hate living under the control of shame.  It's time to make a change.

Are you with me?

What if He was Dying?

We have the most adorable, frustrating, lovable brown lab.  Jacob came to us after a family divorced and they left him alone in a garage, day after day which gave him abandonment issues.  He got over it nice and fast once he realized he was with us to stay.  (Yes, that's him in the photo...the handsome bugger!)

Jacob has big, chocolate eyes, floppy ears and enthusiasm that never ceases.  He goes after everything with the same passion and joy every single time- even if he's misbehaving.

This past Christmas Eve, Jacob started having seizures.  He lost control of his body and it twitched.  I couldn't do anything to help him.  He'd never had them before and they were really bad.  Blessedly, our vet is Jewish and was in the office on Christmas Day to give us medication to help control the seizures.

It took about a week, but we finally got our Jacob on the right dose of medication and able to go outside to do his "business" on his own.  He was mostly back.

Jacob is, we're pretty sure, around 14 or 15-years old.  He's an old man even if he has no idea about it.

We know our time is limited with him.  Since we've arrived at this point, I find myself thinking differently about him especially when he does something like empty the garbage can.  Sure, I get mad at him, but I don't hold onto it long.  I pet him more.  We have times where he puts his head on my feet and I talk to him.  Time is short between us and I want to make the most of it.

I wonder what would happen if we lived this way with each other.  We all are, in effect, approaching death.  Death is coming.  We are...dying.

Imagine the people you love most are dying.  Would you treat them differently?  Would you look the other way for the smaller perceived offenses?  Would you say kind things more often?  Offer to help?  Smile?  Say "I love you"?

Now imagine if you knew every person you come across during your day is dying- even the grumpy ones.  Would you understand why they might be short with others, not smile or be rude?  Would you treat them differently knowing that their time is limited?

Our time here IS limited.  That's a fact and can't be changed.  What we do with our time CAN be changed!

When you wake up tomorrow, commit to doing your best to treat people as you would if you knew that they were dying.  Give it a try and let me know how it works out for you.  I'll do the same!

Kelly

Getting Out of the Way

I've had a recurring theme in my life even before I welcomed God into my heart.  It seems I have a huge problem standing in my own way.

And the worst part is that most of the time I don't realize that I'm doing it!

My entire life has been spent performing- not in the entertainment sense (I should never be put on a stage for any reason)- but working to earn...something.

What am I trying to earn?  The right to say that I'm good.  Love.  Approval.  Security.  Perfection.

The silly thing about all of those things is that I ALREADY HAVE THEM and I didn't have to lift a finger to earn them.  In fact, I didn't earn them at all.  It's impossible to earn them.

By the Grace of God, I have these things.  Nothing I could do, say or give could even remotely qualify me to earn them.  That's a fact.

Yet I continue to try...my youngest told me once that I try so hard it's painful to watch.  The prideful part of me thought, that's good!  Maybe I'm close to earning what I so desperately want!

I completely missed her loving message.  And the harder I continued to try, the harder life became and it became more difficult to recognize all of the wonderful, good things surrounding me.

And even though I'm writing about this as though it's all in the past...it's not.  I'm still stuck in the same bad habit of performing.  Even right now, in my heart, part of me is working hard at whatever I think needs to be done to reach my goals.

But God doesn't want that from me.  He wants the exact opposite.  While I'm thrashing away, running around and doing, doing, doing- He's standing quietly in front of me, waiting for me to take His hand.

He already love me.  He already approves of me.  He provides me with security.  He gives me good things.  He sees the person He created me to be.

Why can't I get it?  Why is it so hard to stop worrying?  Performing?  Doing?

I stand in my own way.  I'm so afraid that if I stop, I'm not doing enough.  I want to plan.  Take control.

All of this is the exact opposite of what He wants from me.  He wants NOTHING in order to give me EVERYTHING.

Why can't I accept that?

I know I don't deserve it.  I know I'm struggling with trust.  My faith is oftentimes, at best, a mustard seed.

So how do I get past this?  I tell God about it.  I pray.  I force quiet time in my life.  I practice surrendering.

It's not going to change overnight.  But I can tell you this- I'm better than I was a year ago.  I'm even better than I was a few months ago.

Can you relate to this?  Are you in the same or a similar boat?

What do you do to get out of your own way?  Please, share your experiences, books or prayers that have helped you on your journey!

I genuinely believe we hide so much of the same stuff in our hearts- imagine what could change if we shared openly with one another!

Kelly

Taking the First Step

I've considered journaling for a long time.  It's been suggested that I journal by a former therapist.  My pastor even suggested that I journal.

I'm not a big fan of putting a lot of thought and permanency into my feelings.  Maybe it makes them too real.  Maybe I just don't like to do it.

I don't think it matters why now seems like the right time to put my journey out into the great wide open.  It's terrifying, but it's even more terrifying to me if I don't take the first step and just do it.

So here I am!

My name is Kelly and I'm a beloved child of God, wife, mother, writer and insatiable learner (I'm not a classroom learner- don't even get me started on that!).  I have a passion for learning more about God, who Jesus is and how to embrace God's grace to the fullest extent while I'm on this planet.  I also love to read, cook and spend time with the family... :D

I grew up the second oldest of seven children in Western, NY, was raised Catholic, abandoned all religious affiliation in my 20's and was truly saved when I was 40.

I'm a survivor of physical, emotional, sexual and religious abuse.  It took me years to recognize, admit, accept and talk about these things.  I'm still a little weird about it on certain days, but don't ever hesitate to ask me questions or share your stories with me.  I can handle it.

And I'm glad God took his time with me to get me where I am today.  He knows me better than anybody else and how painfully slow I can be to get out of my own way.

If I've kept your attention this long, thanks- it means the world to me.  This is just an introduction and, I hope, enough to have you come back and maybe chat with me!

Have a Blessed Day!
Kelly